Communication
When couples come in for counseling, one of the most frequent complaints they list is "communication problems." We did some research a few years back in one of our clinics which demonstrated conclusively that this was the number one presenting concern for couples. You wouldn’t believe what a multitude of problems can be considered "communication."
15 years ago I had a couple come in to see me who were so far down the path toward divorce court that they literally had a hearing scheduled. Both had past affairs. Both were furious at their partner. Neither accepted any blame for the current state of the relationship. Any ideas what they listed as the presenting problem? You guessed it: "communication problems."
Do a Google search sometime on the word "communication." Watch for all of the different ways that people define the term. (We’re not talking now about purposes, motivation, implementation, styles, types, or any other areas of application-just the definition.) The amount of information is pretty impressive.
Even a quick review is enough to see that most of the definitions are fairly generic. For instance, Wikipedia says that communication is "a process whereby information is enclosed in a package and is channeled and imparted by a sender to a receiver via some medium." Pretty simple, huh? But somehow I’m not so sure.
Any person who’s ever done any public speaking will tell you that people hear what they expect to hear-not necessarily what you say. Somehow, "communication" doesn’t happen. Perhaps it’s that the information is not be enclosed in the right package, or put in the proper channel, or perhaps it’s the listener who isn’t tuned in to the proper medium!
The problem with these definitions is that they assume that communication is a simple process in which we shape our desired message so that others will believe what we tell them. We determine what we want others to believe and we shape our communication to pass along that message. But that assumption cannot be true-we don’t have nearly as much control as we believe. In fact, linguists estimate that some 85% of meaning conveyed in any communication is either nonverbal or paraverbal.
So what does this mean for us? It means we have to recognize that communication is "deep structure." It does involve conscious choice, but also things that are outside our awareness. In some ways, my couple did have communication problems, but quite different from what they meant. Their problem was not that they weren’t communicating. It was that they were communicating exactly what they felt.
More later as we think about what to do with this information.
About the author, Jeff Terrell
